Why you should vote for me as 8th Grade Class President

“Fellow students, I stand in front of you this morning to ask that you use your vote wisely and vote for me as your 8th grade class President for Washington Middle School. Why, you may ask, should I cast my vote for you when the is another candidate to choose from? What makes you so special?

Well, I’m standing in front of you now to tell you why.

Frankly, I’m the best person, and that’s why you should vote for me! I’ve got your back, unlike my opponent who is clearly part of the establishment. You just have to look at her to see how the system is rigged so that that she just assumes she is going to win and then collude with the school administration to keep you in your place. With all her previous experience in the debating club and running the bake sale to raise money for the school you’d think she had your interests at heart, but is it true? I ask you, when she helped with the crossing guard was she really doing it for the good of the school or was there an ulterior motive behind this seemingly compassionate move? I’m not saying there was, I’m just asking you to consider it.

Also, we recently found that her attendance record hasn’t been 100%, she was removed from school early due to “doctors appointments” on two occasions this year alone! And, I know she was excused from gym only last week! You just have to ask yourself – does she really have the stamina to run for this office?

And if you think that’s all, you’re mistaken. Supporters of mine also found several pieces of correspondence from her family to the school office asking about the test scores, how we are being assessed academically this year, and even questioning the number of “snow days” we may have! They also tried to get the school to change her elective from photography to pottery, even though she had started the course! This sort of manipulation of the machinery of our education is simply unacceptable!

This corrupt behavior obviously means that my opponent is simply unfit to be your 8th grade Class President.

By contrast, I will ensure that we have ice cream every day at lunch time, which will be paid for by the teachers, and that we win all football games from now on. Don’t ask me how, we’ll just do it!

So vote for me and I’ll make 8th Grade great again.

And, by the way, anyone that says I was seen kissing Lucy over the summer at the pool is simply a liar who wants to besmirch my great name.”

If this sort of approach was used in school I would expect the student’s teacher to coach them on how to deliver a speech using reasoned argument, logic and facts, rather than spouting rhetoric and vague insinuations. Yet, as we enter the final days of this hideously drawn out circus show that we call the 2016 Presidential Race, all I see is similar negativity, schoolyard finger-pointing, and insubstantial pseudo-arguments with almost no let up – from both sides.

All I can say is I cannot wait for it to be over, but most importantly: PLEASE GET OUT and VOTE on November 8th, otherwise you have no right to complain about the outcome on Wednesday!  

~Richard